Up for critique is the Tease 14 Day Kickstart loose leaf tea. As you can see, it makes a bunch of claims about boosting immunity, increasing energy, and burning calories.
Basically, I'm hoping that SOME of these products aren't just mild laxatives, and that those of you who really do want a sort of "pick me up" can actually find a product that won't turn your butthole into liquid hot magma. A girl can hope, right?
Am I about to pay through the ass (literally) for my optimism? Let's find out the hard way, because heaven forbid I learn my lesson the first time around.
Here is the lovely, deceptively pleasant-smelling herbs and flowers that may or may not flip my intestines inside out:
Such an adorable ritual before I violate the bathroom to my husband's completely unmitigated horror. This is not the kind of shit you can pretend didn't happen, ladies. It is VOCAL.
Here's how it went:
- Days 1-3: Things were deceptively pleasant. The tea tasted great, and I didn't have any gastrointestinal discomfort. No noticeable increase in energy or anything like that. But I figured if nothing else, it's a nice tea flavor.
- Days 4-5: Massive headaches and migraines. I think you hippie types like to call this "detox" or something. I like to call it "fucking bollucks".
- Day 6+: And so it begins. The Shittening. If you ever want to know if there is any part of you deep down inside that could be religious, the fear of dying with your pants down on a toilet is your new litmus test.
- Day 7+: You can't really turn all your foods into a liquid ass explosion without experiencing fatigue. I don't think I've ever been so tired. Where is this magical energy? And does it really count as "calorie burning" if I'm just no longer digesting anything? On a DEFINITELY unrelated note, my husband has stopped making passes at me. I guess it doesn't matter how flat my stomach is right now. There is nothing sexy about the backdoor trots.
- Day 12-14: Actual physical pain. Not like, go-to-the-emergency-room levels of pain. But like the kind of pain you feel in your organs when you do something stupid like binge-drink but you forgot that you're over 30.
I think it goes without saying that unless you have a fully stocked cabinet full of hemorrhoid cream and an abusive relationship with your goodie hole, you probably don't want to "kickstart" your summer plans with Tease.
Also, my husband doesn't find my Oregon Trail t-shirt funny anymore. I think he's scarred. Considering it was MY ass that dealt with nuclear-grade shits, you'd think he'd have a better sense of humor about this. (And seriously, I still have sex with him in spite of what happens 6-8 hours after Taco Tuesday, just saying).
Just take the Tease kickstart tea, steep it, and then place it directly in the toilet and save yourself those unnecessary middle steps.
Final Score: 0 out of 5 starfishes.