Today, I got dressed. I know this might seem like a small, perfunctory task, but ask anyone who is depressed, stressed out, or traumatized if getting out of bed is no big deal. Some days, it's a hard-won victory.
It was literally raining down ASHES yesterday from the wildfires. My world seems to be burning down both metaphorically and literally.
But I put on a dress. I deep conditioned and oiled my hair. I washed my face and put on lipstick and eyeliner. I put some concealer over the dark bags under my eyes from a sleepless night in an uncomfortable hospital chair, worrying, followed by a sleepless night in my own bed, still worrying.
Today, I look like everything is fine. And that's okay. It is enough.
It's not that I'm faking it, it's that I am choosing to find joy, any small joy I can, to remind myself that the world has not yet imploded.
I put on a dress today, and I smiled.
I know I can't be a good support if I am wallowing though. What good am I if I just stay in bed and cry and sleep?
You put on your own oxygen mask first before you help others.
Putting on a dress may seem shallow and superficial, but today, I feel a little bit better, and I am displaying it on the outside.
Am I ready to just jump back into the swing of things and act like nothing happened? No.
But I think I'll do a load of laundry and actually cook for the kids. I won't be defeated. Not today.
I don't really look like I've had one of the worst weekends of my life to date, do I? I've never been one to wear my grief publicly. But if you pay attention, you can see it... it's usually in a cup in my hand. I drink excessive amounts of tea when I am quietly despairing or panicking. I usually have a cup of tea after the kids are bed to unwind, but if I'm drinking tea all day, or need multiple cups of tea to unwind, there is something going on and it's definitely not good.
I don't wear my grief on the outside, but I definitely wear it on my over-taxed kidneys.
And because I'm sure you might be worried it would be off-putting or rude to ask about the dress in light of my current state of shock and grief, I'll list what I wore here, so you don't have to wonder or awkwardly ask:
- Dress: LuLaRoe
- Shoes: originally from zulily, but I repainted them and drew on the floral pattern
- Belt: Love Culture
- Other Accessories Not Pictured: 87 gallons of jasmine green tea and probably some new gray hairs
To all of us dealing with things unspoken, I hear you. And take care of yourselves, in whatever small ways you can.